It's A Very Meow Christmas, Baby!
by CanzetYote
Summary: Oneshot. After eating all the food meant for the Christmas party, Meow is ejected from the Aloha Oe. With the help of a magical Christmas fairy, can Meow make it up to Dandy?


**NOTE:** _I know it's far from Christmas but this idea popped into my head and I couldn't get it out so I went with it. Parts of the story are rushed, party cause I got excited about doing my first Space Dandy fic and because I was half asleep for about half of typing the fic (I'm an insomniac). Anyway, feel free to read and review!_

Although no snow fell outside in the vast ocean of outer space, Dandy and QT sat near a pine tree inside the Aloha Oe. The pompadour-sporting alien hunter climbed a ladder as he placed a big-breasted angel in a bikini on top of the tree while QT helped string lights around the base. Dandy climbed down the ladder, wiping sweat from his brow and smiled at the robot, "So...how does it look?"

QT rubbed his chin with a robotic arm, "Lights, ornaments, angels...all that's missing is..."

"Candy canes?" Dandy replied raising an eyebrow.

There was a moment of silence between the human and robot before they both spoke up in unison, "MEOW!"

Meanwhile, Meow was in his messy room, slowly licking a candy cane with his fish-scented tongue and sucking on it. A large pile of candy cane wrappers lay idle on his bed as red peppermint stained his lips and muzzle. Instead of wearing his regular hat, he was wearing a santa hat.

As if on cue, Dandy and QT burst into the room and Dandy tackled Meow onto his bed, ripping the candy cane out of the alien's paw and snapping it in half like a twig.

Meow growled at the human, "What on Earth was that for? Not cool, man!"

Dandy grabbed the Betelgeusian by the scruff of his neck, "Not cool? What's not cool is the fact you've eaten all the candy canes! What are all the babes coming to our Christmas party supposed to feast on now?!"

Meow blinked, "Ham?"

"You've eaten all the ham." Dandy replied crossing his arms.

Meow blinked again, "Fruitcake?"

"You flushed it down the space toilet because you thought it was too hard." QT replied.

Meow blinked a third time, "Gingerbread cookies?"

Dandy folded his arms, "You've eaten them, too."

"And you've drank all the hot chocolate and eggnog." QT added, glaring at the alien.

Meow sighed and hung his head, "Look, I'm sorry I turned all that delicious food into Betelgeusian ass-fudge. If it makes you feel better, I'll go out shopping."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Scrooge." Dandy sneered. And so, the alien hunter grabbed Meow and dragged him down the hall, the catlike alien kicking and screaming and protesting as he made his way towards the airlock.

Meow whimpered and looked up at Dandy with big, watery eyes, "P...p...please, Dandy. Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"It's being digested by YOU!" Dandy shouted as he kicked Meow out of the air lock and into deep space.

The Betelgeusian floated about in space before he landed on an asteroid. Meow sighed to himself, "Thrown out of the airlock on Christmas. Yep, things are going great for me so far."

As the asteroid drifted about in space, an hour passed, then another hour passed, then another. About 5 hours passed and poor Meow just sat on the asteroid, hugging himself to keep from freezing in the cold space air. Hanging his head, a single warm tear trickled down his nose and froze into a drop of ice.

A sob escaped the Betelgeusian's throat as he whimpered softly to himself, "I'm so sorry, Dandy...if...if only you padlocked the fridge then maybe...just maybe you'd have food for the party!"

And so, the frozen tear fell from Meow's nose and ignoring, the laws of gravity, shattered on the hard surface of the asteroid.

Suddenly, the alien was hit with a flash of blinding light and before him stood a pink-haired fairy in a gold dress with green eyes and big breasts. Meow blinked a few times, "Who are you?"

The fairy smiled at Meow, "My name is Rosalie and I'm your Christmas fairy."

Meow rubbed the rest of the tears from his eyes, "Christmas fairy? So, are you like my fairy godmother?"

Rosalie nodded, "Yes, I am but us Christmas fairies are different from fairy godmothers. We live inside the tears of sad, lonely souls who have their hearts broken on Christmas."

Meow rolled his eyes, "That's the cheesiest thing I've ever heard. And me, lonely? I've got my body pillows and dating sims to keep me company so I'm never lonely."

Rosalie placed a hand on Meow's shoulder, "Denial is one of the 5 stages of grief, Nynyamo. You might as well skip to stage 5 or you'll miss the party."

Meow sighed, "Are you telling me to confess just how lonely and sad and miserable I am?"

Rosalie sighed and shook her head, "I know you better than you know yourself, Nynyamo. After all, I'm your Christmas fairy. I know about your secret stash of hermaphrodite tentacle porn and I know how sometimes Dandy laughs at you because he gets more action than you do and how most girls run away from you before you even get to second base because of your fish breath and how you cry yourself to sleep afterwards. You may not want to admit it, but you are one of the saddest, most loneliest Betelgeusians in the universe. I even have statistics that show that more sex goes on in a retirement home than in your room not counting what you do with your body pillows. So, what do you say? Are you going to fess up?"

By the time Rosalie finished her rant, Meow's eyes were flooded with tears and he suddenly burst out sobbing, "IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE! IT'S SO TRUE! I AM A VIRGIN AND A LOSER AND DANDY GETS ALL THE GIRLS WHILE I SIT ALONE IN MY DIRTY ROOM PLAYING WITH ANIME SEX TOYS! I'M SO LONELY!"

The Betelgeusian bawled like a baby as he buried his face in his paws and Rosalie wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a warm hug, "There, there...it'll be okay."

"It'll never be okay! I'm the slob who ruined Christmas by eating all the food!" Meow sobbed, tears streaming down his face like waterfalls, "Dandy will never let me back into the Aloha Oe after what I did."

"There is one way." Rosalie replied, gently wiping the tears from Meow's face with her fingers.

"How?" Meow sniffled softly, rubbing his eyes.

"Close your eyes and clap your paws three times." Rosalie replied. Meow did as he was told and Rosalie instructed him further, "Now, bat at my breasts with your right paw 7 times."

Meow nodded and did so. Suddenly, a credit card poofed up and levitated in front of Meow. The Betelgeusian grabbed the card and blinked a few times, "A hundred yen gift card to Boobies?"

"Prepaid and ready to go. Your Christmas present to Dandy." Rosalie replied with a smirk.

His eyes sparkling with pure joy, Meow threw his arms around Rosalie in a tight hug, "Thank you so much! There's no way Dandy could hate me after I give him this. I'm sure he'll light up!"

"Your welcome." Rosalie replied, hugging the alien back, "Now, to get you back on your ship."

Snapping her fingers, Rosalie magically teleported Meow back to the Aloha Oe. Looking around himself, Meow was surprised to see the Christmas party in full swing with food everywhere and Dandy dancing with a bunch of topless waitresses from Boobies. The Betelgeusian walked up to QT who was watching them dance, "Wait a minute...I thought I ate all the food."

QT turned to Meow and faced him, "Honey and Scarlet brought some food from the grocery store. It wasn't easy for them to find a store open on Christmas so they went to the nearest supermarket that had an entire Jewish staff."

Meow sighed and hung his head, "Look, I'm sorry about what happened to all the food. When I was ejected from the ship, I found some vendor selling Boobies gift cards so I got one for Dandy as a present."

QT rolled his eyes, "Wasn't that your present to him last year?"

Meow crossed his arms, "Well, it's better than nothing, just so you know. Guess I'll have to wait till he's done dancing with those babes to give it to him."

"In that case, you'll probably be waiting all night. He's really in one of those moods." QT explained.

Meow sighed and stared at the floor, "I can be patient when I want to be."

And so, half an hour passed and eventually, Dandy wore down from so much dancing. He walked on over the the couch and plopped down with a glass of eggnog in his hand. QT turned to Meow, "Now's your chance."

Meow nodded and walked up to Dandy, sitting on the couch next to him. Dandy slowly turned his head to see the apologetic-looking Betelgeusian with an envelope in his paws, "I thought I threw you out of the airlock, cat."

Meow sighed, "Look, I'm sorry about eating Christmas dinner, so I went out and got this present for you from some street vendor. I'm sure that you'll love it."

Meow felt rather embarrassed, he didn't want to admit to Dandy that he was so pathetic that he had a Christmas fairy godmother to help him out. Dandy slowly opened the envelope and pulled out a hundred yen gift card to Boobies. A look of disappointment crossed his faced and Meow smiled sadly at him, "So, what do you think? Merry Christmas?"

"You gave me this last year and besides, everyone gave me one this year." Dandy complained.

Meow whimpered, "But...you can never have too much Boobies, right?"

Dandy shook his head, "I go there for the breasts, not for the food. You of all people should know that by now."

"So what are you gonna do with it?" Meow asked Dandy innocently, tapping his paws together.

Without a word, Dandy threw the card on the ground, whipped out a flamethrower and burned it. Meow watched in horror as his Christmas present to Dandy was reduced to a pile of smoldering ash. The Betelgeusian felt heartbroken over the rejected apology. Blinking back the tears, Meow got to his feet and slowly walked in the direction of his room, "Glad you liked it..." Meow choked softly, with tearful sarcasm in his voice.

QT stared stoically as Meow sadly slunk back to his room. Despite being a robot, he couldn't help but feel a little bit bad for the catlike alien but he decided to leave him alone.

The Betelgeusian entered his room and sat down on his bed. He took a nude Sailor Moon plushie off his bed and hugged it. Meow began to cry softly, his salty tears running down his muzzle and dripping from the tips of his whiskers, falling like rain upon the soft fabric of his naked Sailor Moon doll. His heart felt like a shattered Christmas ornament as his sobs and loud sniffles blended with the white noise of the dance music blaring from the main area of the Aloha Oe.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Meow rubbed the tears from his eyes to clear his vision as he sniffled, "Come in."

The door opened up and Honey stood there, carrying a box that was as tall as she was that was covered in red and green wrapping paper, "Merry Christmas, Meow. I got a present for you! I hope you like it."

Meow sniffled and blinked. Getting up, he made a mad dash for the present and started ripping at the wrapping paper with his claws and under it was a large cardboard box. Opening the box, the Betelgeusian felt his tears dry up as a wide smile crossed his muzzle. Inside the box lay a life-sized hug pillow of Lum from Urusei Yatsura. Meow could barely contain his emotions as he dashed up to Honey and tackled her in a big hug, "Like it?! I LOVE IT! THANK YOU SO MUCH!"

"Your welcome, sugar." Honey chuckled, hugging Meow back.

Meow released the hug and began hopping up and down while clapping his paws together, "YES! YES! YES! I just can't wait to kiss Lum under the mistletoe!"

Honey giggled to herself over Meow's overjoyed reaction. She was really unfazed by the mess in Meow's room, considering Dandy told her horror stories regarding the Betelgeusian's habits beforehand but despite this, she felt kind of sorry for Meow.

Suddenly, Honey's attention turned away from Meow at the sounds of singing, "It looks like karaoke already started. I'll see you later, Meow!"

The waitress patted the alien on the head and hugged him before she walked back to the main party area. Dandy walked out of the main area and into the hall before stopping in front of Meow's door. Smirking, Dandy kicked the door open, pulled a ball of navy blue yarn out of his pocket and chucked it at Meow's head, "Hey cat, CATCH!"

But before Meow could even react, the yarnball smacked him directly in his face, giving him a shiner on his left eye. Whimpering, the Betelgeusian rubbed his eye, "OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, MAN?!"

"Your Christmas present." Dandy replied, leaning against the door frame as he folded his arms.

"You coulda just handed it to me like a normal person." Meow growled, rubbing his sore left eye with his paw.

"I'm not a normal person, baby." Dandy replied, grinning.

"So I noticed." Meow replied sarcastically, crossing his arms and glaring at the pompadour-haired human, "Besides, giving a Betelgeusian a yarnball as a present is incredibly racist."

Dandy simply shrugged, "You just don't want to admit you like playing with it."

Meow rolled his eyes, "Please, I'm too busy playing Bejeweled on my phone to even care about yarn."

Suddenly, QT entered Meow's room as well, "I signed you up for karaoke, Meow. You're next up to sing."

The Betelgeusian hopped to his feet, "Karaoke? All right! Can I make it a duet with Lum here?"

"Whaaaat? Meow SING? This has to be some kind of joke." Dandy facepalmed, "And besides, body pillows can't sing. If you want to sing a duet, get a real girl of your own."

"Hey, don't you DARE insult Lum and her beautiful singing! We'll make it the best musical duet ever, you'll see!" Meow growled, clenching his teeth as he hugged his Lum doll defensively.

Dandy simple rolled his eyes as Meow walked out of his room and the human and robot followed the alien back to the main area.

Meow set foot on the karaoke stage and cleared his throat before speaking into the microphone, "Hello everyone out there, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! So, are you ready to rock?"

There was a dead silence only penetrated by the sound of chirping crickets. Meow blinked a few times before speaking into the mic again, "Your completely speechless by my awesome stage presence, I know but try to have a little enthusiasm, people!"

"Yeah!" A chorus of breastarant waitresses chimed in.

"I can't hear you! Are you ready to rock?!" Meow shouted into the mic.

"YEAH!" Everyone shouted in unison.

"Just get on with it, cat!" Dandy shouted.

The sound of 80s style synthesizers began playing through the speakers as Meow spoke into the microphone, "All you dudes and hot waitresses from Boobies, have a very merry Christmas!"

The lyrics started up on the screen and the Betelgeusian began to sing really badly:

_Last Christmas, I gave you my heart_  
_But the very next day you gave it away_  
_This year, to save me from tears_  
_I'll shag a body pillow_

Meow's awful singing blended with cheesy 80s style synthesizers wasn't a very Christmassy musical experience yet Dandy and Honey danced with each other nonetheless. QT and Scarlet were the only ones sitting on the sidelines, not dancing.

Scarlet was holding a Starbucks coffee cup filled with hot chocolate and she took a nice, long sip of it. She couldn't help but smile to herself, "Looks like the Christmas party wasn't a complete disaster, after all."

QT nodded, "Thank goodness for Jewish grocery stores."

Scarlet nodded as she and QT pulled out some earplugs to drown out Meow's singing.

Meow sang his Betelgeusian heart out on the stage as he held his new Lum body pillow close to him. By the time the party wound down and the Boobies waitresses packed up their things, Scarlet walked up to Dandy and Meow, "Excellent job with the party, you can take your New Years break."

The human and betelgeusian jumped with joy and gave each other a high five but then Dandy glared at Meow, "Wait a minute, what am I high-fiving you for? You ate all the food and sang bad karaoke!"

Meow crossed his arms, "Hmph. You're nothing but a mean old Scrooge with no Christmas spirit."

"I was sharing all my Christmas spirit with the ladies, not freeloading cats with fish breath." Dandy replied, smirking.

"You're so mean." Meow whimpered, sitting down and sulking.

QT patted Meow on the back, "At least we had a blast at the party, right?"

Meow sighed, "Yeah, too bad I missed the first half of it."

Scarlet turned to Dandy, "After New Years break, I expect you to catch a rare specimen for me, is that clear?"

"Crystal." Dandy replied, giving a thumbs up while grinning.

"We're all counting on you." Scarlet replied as she went to the newly installed teleporter on the ship and zoomed out of the Aloha Oe. Now it was just Dandy, Meow and QT on the ship once again.

There was an awkward silence before Dandy handed a mop and a bucket of water to Meow, "The two of you clean up this mess, I'm going straight to bed. A few of the ladies had a bit too much eggnog to drink and they threw up."

And with that, Dandy left the messy lobby and retired to his room. Meow turned to QT with an evil grin on his face. The catlike alien handed to robot the mop and bucket, "Here, QT. Merry Christmas. I hope you asked Santa for a bucket and mop."

And so, the Betelgeusian grabbed his Lum body pillow and made a mad dash to his room, closed the door and started making out with her. QT let out an annoyed groan and began cleaning the messy lobby. It may have not been the most sincere present from Meow, but at least QT was performing his duties. After all, every messy party needs a janitor to sweep up afterwards. The end.


End file.
